Friday, February 24, 2012

Finally back home in RVA

I know im really bad about keeping this thing updated but while I was living in charlotte nothing was really happening in my life that much, but now new and exciting things are happening for me. I got a job in rva and I was able to move back and it feels very good to be home. In a place that im familiar and have family and friends here who care about me! It feels very good to feel cared for.

Thank God for this opportunity, none of this would not have happened without him. And for everyone who prayed with me I thank you guys so much! I hope that this new point in my life will be a smooth transition. Im really excited about being able to have my own place for myself. And hopefully (still praying for this) my car!

I also thank God for putting people in my lives that have helped me through this quick process. Obviously my friends and family and Shawn who had the biggest part and that was helping me get my stuff from charlotte and bring me back. I really appreciate everything that God has done for me.

This is all so good and Im just so excited for all of this.

Friday, January 27, 2012

ive loved and ive lost

Ive been feeling me some drake lately. Just saying That was a little side note.


Ive been feeling so consumed with depression lately and old memories. I still feel that way I just had a good talk with my aunt and friend beth today and she has always been there for me! (thank you so much I love you) she always has things to say that are helpful. I really need to figure out what im doing with my life. I feel so lost and don't know what to do. I only know one thing and that isnt helping me right now figure out what Im going to do with my life its just something I want.

I need to figure out what to do. I need God to help me. I need prayer. Im struggling so much. please please if you read this I know how depressing my posts are but depression and anxiety is not something to joke around about. I need prayer. I need help. I can't keep trying to do this by myself anymore, I just can't its killing me

Wednesday, January 25, 2012

"it kills me" but "I stay in love with you"

My heart is aching so much! It literally hurts because of how sad I am. I can't even put the proper words in order to explain how I feel it's just a jumble of thoughts that jump around from one thing to the next.

I'm still in love with him and it literally breaks my heart again everyday because he's no longer mine.

And he doesn't even care. I mean he has reason to I'm the one that messed up and ruined every chance I had. But it still hurts to know all those things.
Cause I dream like a girl and wish that all of that was just a front to protect his feelings and then eventually he can't take it anymore and he comes back to me and we spend forever together. But that dream is seeming more like a fantasy as every day goes by.

People keep telling me to give up and move on let go and get over it. But it's so hard to do that when you feel like youve given up the only person in the world you ever really want to be with and like you've given up the only person in the world that gives you reason to wake up every day. I feel like I gave up the one person I was supposed to spend forever with I mean it's not that easy to just give up that feeling. It makes me think about the lyrics from need you now, guess I'd rather hurt than feel nothing at all, I highly disagree with that statement cause right about now I wish I didn't feel anything at all. Cause waking up everyday flooded with thoughts of him and waking up with this sadness is horrible.

The first amount of happiness I've felt in a while was when he talked to me yesterday. But the minute we stopped or I thought he would stop I got sad again.

Everyday I pray and pray for God to help me show me the way. To help people forgive me and me forgive myself. To let go of this guilt and sadness and be happy again.
I wish I could be with him but I just have to give it to God an know that he will work in this situation and lead me the way.

Sunday, January 1, 2012

Fast Day 6 NYE

The fast has offically ended. I wanted to go til new years eve and I did
I learned so much during this time I spent with the Lord.
To delight and love and lean on him. And he will take care of me.

So far out of all the things I really wanted to accomplish during this fast has been accomplished praise God. I grew closer in him and I learned how to forgive and let go and be at peace for the most part.
The only thing left now that I still really need to pray for is what is to come this coming year and what the next step of my life should be.

Im very scared because sooner rather than later im going to have to make this decision of what to do.
I only have a matter of days.
Please contiune to pray as I am coming off my fast and just for me as im learning what im supposed to do now with my life.

Thanks for keeping up with my fast if you have read the posts and have been praying it has been very helpful. I love you all

Fast Day 5

As my fast is coming to a end, ive become less hungry and and the stomach pains have stopped.
During this fast ive learned the most that I just need to lean on Jesus and not worry. Even though that is very hard.

Contiune to pray for me as my fast is coming to a end.

Thursday, December 29, 2011

Fast Day 4

This fast is alot more different than I expected it to be.
Im feeling the obvious hungry
But im also feeling very weak and tired as well.

The devil is trying very hard to get to me
Im trying hard to resist but it is hard.

Keep praying friends for peace, strength, wisdom, and fullfillment in him.

Wednesday, December 28, 2011

Fast Day 3

And I was correct today was a challenge the devil defiently tried very hard to make me break my fast and eat. I had to fight very hard to prevent myself from wanting to eat. While everyone ate food which smelled very good. I sat in amandas room and had some alone time with Jesus. I was able to have some worship time to just praise him. And I read a little bit in my books. After that I was to talk to my sweet mandy about jesus and what it means to have a relationship with him. I think the Lord really worked through me during that time because she was saved tonight!!!!

Thank jesus! She has now offically started to form a relationship with Jesus.
I think that her seeing how passionate I am about Jesus gave her some encouragement.

So far I think that this fast is going very well its a challenge but I think im doing well im proud of myself.
Thanks for praying and contiune to do so